Van Helsing

Rated PG-13 for non-stop creature action violence, frightening images and sensuality.
That's the official MPAA breakdown of Van Helsing. Even the MPAA has apparently been bought out to sell just how exciting movies really are. It's not just "violence" or "animated violence" or "comic mischief" anymore, it's "non-stop, edge-of-your-seat, this movie is going to lick out the inside of your skull kind of action."

So, the actual movie was quite entertaining, but mostly because Adrianna and I spent our time mud slinging. For example, the movie stars Hugh Jackman who is better known as Wolverine, so there must be some Wolverine type reference. Signed sealed and delivered. To give you an idea of how this film law works, watch the first X-Men movie again. Ray Park plays Toad. Ray Park also played Darth Maul in Episode 1 the summer before, so there must be a Darth Maul reference in there. What do we get? After Toad drops Storm down an elevator shaft he gives us a quick little move with the bar he's carrying that mimicks exactly a move he uses in Episode 1, only there he had a lightsaber.
Another fine detail contained in Van Helsing also concerns the cast. Hugh Jackman is joined by four pairs of breasts which are each ruined in turn. Several of these pairs really deserve our respect for what they're able to carry off, if you think about things not in terms of being a movie on screen. Think about what these people are doing in terms of the fact that they're actual people standing around acting these things out. Want an example? Of course you do! After the experiment to bring Dracula and his three pairs of breasts' offspring to life (there are thousands of them, but since he's had three pairs of breasts to himself for hundreds of years, do you blame hiim?) fails and all the little bastards blow up in mid-flight the two POBs still alive wail and moan with a startling amount of energy. I can imagine the director telling them "I want you to wail and gyrate against each other. Try to find some kind of line between distressed and erotic." To gain some greater apreciation of how humiliating this must look in real life when you strip away the CG background, the soundtrack, and the theatre, pick up a copy of Queen of the Damned and watch Aaliyah's blooper reel. What was believable in the movie when she had the funky effects overlaid on her voice suddeenly becomes degrading and humiliating.
Must not forget to mention the presence of several scenes where the vampires are standing on the roof, upside down for no apparent reason. But there is a reason! Two, actually. One: because it gives an excuse for an effects shot. Two: three POBs hanging upside down wearing low cut dresses? There's a reason they're POBs.
Despite these being detractions from the movie, theyr're teh substance it's made of and pretyt much the reason it's enjoyable. Don't suck on rock sugar and complain it's too sweet.
I could go on about Carl, the monk who can get away with all kinds of things because he's "still just a friar" and some honsetly glaring inconsistancies (how did the other carriage get across the chasam?) but I'll let you discover these gems on your own.

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